Radioactive Rudolph
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer
Never laughed or played their games,
That’s ’cause the other reindeer
Were a-glowing just the same.
Late one night in ’86
Chernobyl sort of broke
Sad to say, ’twas nothing new
Canada can do it too.
The fallout fell over Lapland
Before it headed ‘cross the sea,
Radioactive Rudolph
You’ll go down in history.
O Little Town of Bethlehem
O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie,
Blood and guts lie all around
The silent stars go by.
The Israeli sure were fervent
So was the PLO,
And now praise God their hopes and fears
Are dead forevermore.
I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
He didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
He thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom fast asleep.
Then I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white –
Oh what a laugh it would have been
If my other Daddy hadda seen
Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night.
The Little Boy
Run, they told me
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Across, the border, see
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Take these our gifts, my son
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Go quickly, hear the guns
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum,
Rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum
We will follow
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum.
Try to get on the boat
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Perchance it stays afloat
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Believe you will see land
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Hope someone takes your hand
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum,
Rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum
We will follow
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum.
Learn to read and write again
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
In a while, get a job if you can
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Keep well, we’ll think of you
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Life can be safe, it’s true
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum,
Rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum
We will follow
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Rum-pa-pum-pum.
Here Comes an Army Tank
Here comes an army tank
Here comes an army tank
Right through Tianamen Square.
P. M. Li Peng
And all his henchmen
Are out to kill, beware!
Beijing’s teeming and
People are screaming and
All is bloody and bright;
Hang your head and
Raise your voices
‘Cause an army tank came tonight.
Good Mayor What’s-His-Name
Good Mayor What’s-His-Name looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lie round about
Deep and crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night
Tho’ the frost was cruel
when a poor woman came in sight
Gathering winter fuel.
“Hither Councillor, stand by me
If thou know’st telling
Yonder baggy, who is she
Where and what her dwelling.”
“Sir, she lives a good league forth
Underneath the city
Right along the subway north
Where it’s not so pretty.”
“Bring my limo, food, and wine
Bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see her dine
When we bear them thither.”
Mayor and councillor, forth they went
Forth they went together
Through the rude wind’s wild lament
And the bitter weather.
“Sir, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger
Fails the car, I know not how
It can go no longer.”
“Mark my footsteps, follow so
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter’s snow
Freeze thy blood less coldly.”
Soon they came upon the spot
Where the woman huddled
Poor old soul, the mayor thought
Forsaken and befuddled.
“Come good lady, I am here
With a Christmas dinner,
Eat and drink, be of good cheer
God doth bless the sinner.”
“Fuck thee off and God be damned
Listen to this reprobate:
Minimum wage, no pension plan
I was forced to relocate.
Savings lasted just five years
CPP is minimal
Need for budget reform is clear
Your charity is criminal.”
Joy to the World
Joy to the world
The lord is not.
Turns out he never was.
Let every heart
Prepare to be free
And one and all shall sing
And one and all shall sing
And one, and one, and all shall sing.
Joy to the earth
No saviour reigns.
Let all our minds employ
To manage fields and floods
Rocks, hills, and plains
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat, repeat the sounding joy.
Let’s save ourselves
With truth and grace
Create humanity
Without reward and punishment
By supernatural deities.
O wonders of our love
O wonders of our love
O wonders and wonders of our love.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
A latex prophylactic that broke.
On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Six kilograms weight loss,
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Seven weeks of severance pay,
Six kilograms weight loss,
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Eight ex-friends,
Seven weeks of severance pay,
Six kilograms weight loss,
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Nine months of AZT,
Eight ex-friends,
Seven weeks of severance pay,
Six kilograms weight loss,
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Ten Hail Marys,
Nine months of AZT,
Eight ex-friends,
Seven weeks of severance pay,
Six kilograms weight loss,
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Eleven purple lesions,
Ten Hail Marys,
Nine months of AZT,
Eight ex-friends,
Seven weeks of severance pay,
Six kilograms weight loss,
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Twelve copies of
The Joy of Death
and Dying,
Eleven purple lesions,
Ten Hail Marys,
Nine months of AZT,
Eight ex-friends,
Seven weeks of severance pay,
Six kilograms weight loss,
Five golden words
(“I have AIDS. I’m sorry.”)
Four four-leafed clovers,
Three horseshoes,
Two rabbits’ feet,
And a latex prophylactic that broke.
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
Hark, the herald angels sing,
You’ve fucked up the whole damn thing;
Earth was yours to tend with care,
You have wrecked land, sea, and air.
Oil spills and DDT,
Acid rain and PCBs,
Rainforests clear cut, east and west,
Holes in the ozone, we’re impressed;
No more dumpsites left to swing,
Real smart move, the angels sing.
We Three
We three seeking ministries are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Through city, province, country offices
Following yonder star.
O star of wonder, star of might
Star with royal beauty bright
Power leading, still proceeding
Let us guide thy perfect light.
Born on Bay Street of
a merger well-wrought
Gold I bring to finance my plot
Corporate law, big business savvy
Tax shelters for the lot.
O star of wonder, star of might
Star with royal beauty bright
Power leading, still proceeding
Let us guide thy perfect light.
Frankincense to offer have I
Church and state together best lie
Prayer and praising, all men raising
Will worship an ordinary guy.
O star of wonder, star of might
Star with royal beauty bright
Power leading, still proceeding
Let us guide thy perfect light.
Myrrh is mine, what’s bitter is sweet
Guns and bombs, or something discreet
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Hire me, you won’t be beat.
O star of wonder, star of might
Star with royal beauty bright
Power leading, still proceeding
Let us guide thy perfect light.
Silent Night
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is not right:
Someone beat and burned the child
This time things went really wild –
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Here We Come A-Wassailing
Here we come a-wassailing
Among the roads so white,
Here we come a-wandering
So far to left and right.
Love and joy come to you
And to you your wassail too
And God bless you and send you
a happy new year
And God send you a happy new year.
We are not your daily drinkers
Going from pub to bar,
You’ll know us when you see us
We’re your neighbours yes we are.
Love and joy come to you
And to you your wassail too
And God bless you and send you
a happy new year
And God send you a happy new year.
Bring us out a stretcher table
Spread it with a cloth,
Lift your buddy’s body parts
While I slurp off the froth.
Love and joy come to you
And to you your wassail too
And God bless you and send you
a happy new year
And God send you a happy new year.
The Government is Coming to Town
Oh, you’d better not pout, better not cry
Better not shout, I’m telling you why
The government is coming to town.
They’re making a list, checking it twice
Going to find out who’s naughty and nice
The government is coming to town.
They see you when you’re sleeping
They know when you’re awake
They’ll torture you if you’ve been bad
So be good for goodness’ sake!
Oh, you’d better watch out, better not lie
Better not shout, I’m telling you why
The government is coming to town.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay,
The massacre in Montreal
Was just a fluke, they say;
Ignore the stats on rape,
The attitudes at work and play;
O tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.
